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Swarm of gnat nation has arrived

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POSTED: April 30, 2014 5:30 p.m.

Just a wisp of time elapsed, and the almighty sand gnat is back with a vengeance. Like a swallow returning to Capistrano or a martin to a gourd, the little varmints were back just in time for the Blessing of the Fleet. They just refuse to give up.
Last year, my Yankee cousin came to the waterfront for the concert and fireworks, but he forgot his Avon Skin So Soft. We had to put him in a straight jacket and sedate him. Well, actually, we didn’t have to give him the sedative, but he insisted that we did, so we all had one.     
I heard one out-of-towner remark that sand gnats could be the Lord’s only mistake. I corrected him by stating that he could have made them the size of a housefly. That would’ve been worse.
Here’s a fact that I looked up: A sand gnat doesn’t actually bite. It leaves a tiny speck of acid on your skin, and it’s the acid that causes the itch. All I know is, a quart of said acid could put an end to world bickering. Just arm the National Guard with squirt guns full of sand-gnat juice, and voilà! This land is my land.
Just think of that little weasel in North Korea and whoever the weasel is from South Korea saber-rattling at the border. Just a couple of squirts is all it would take for little Kim Jong-what’s-his-name to put a rubber band around his ridiculous haircut and snap out of it. Why can’t the world leaders see the simplicity of it all?
Avon cosmetics are the only thing standing in the way of world peace. I know for a fact that Skin So Soft is the only thing that deters the little miscreants. It makes the skin so slick and nasty that when the gnat tries to land, he just slides right off the runway.
If I was the leader of the free world, or at least the low-priced world, I would make it against the law to manufacture or distribute Skin So Soft. Anyone caught with it would go straight to North Korea or at the least to Claxton, where they would spend eternity scratching and cussing Yankees.

Waters is a local author, musician and coastal-life enthusiast. He lives on a bluff overlooking the Sapelo River.

 

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