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Hey guys, you need to purge your lists

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POSTED: August 14, 2012 3:00 p.m.

About once a year I get an offer to be listed in Who’s Who Among Young Professionals. Boy do these guys need to update their mailing list!

Hey guys, I’m a senior. And I don’t mean in high school.

But they may figure that maybe I plan to enter another profession after newspaper. People are living longer and staying in the job market longer.

I’ve never been in a Who’s Who. Let me put it another way. I’ve never fallen for one of these gimmicks where you pay someone to put your name on a list when they don’t know you from Adam’s house cat. In my opinion, it’s one of those enterprises where they just throw stuff against the wall to see how much sticks. It’s kind of like those deals you get in the mail where they try to make you feel really special but the letter is addressed to “Occupant.”

So no thanks, I won’t be buying into a “Who’s Who.” I know who I am. My wife knows who I am. And the IRS knows who I am.

Now, back to that thing about a vocation beyond newspaper. I have given it some passing thought. I thought maybe I would be good at writing horoscopes. What I mean is, someone has to make that stuff up.

“Soon you will meet a tall dark stranger who will impact your financial well-being.”

This one is a safe one that covers the gamut. On the one hand, it could mean some Mediterranean oil mogul sweeps you off your feet and you no longer have to worry about how you will pay off your college debt. Or it could mean that a tall guy wearing dark jeans and shirt mugs you in an alley and takes your money. The devil is always in the details — and in the dark alley.

It’s kind of like taking a philosophy class. There really are no wrong answers as long as you can scratch your forehead, smoke a pipe and appear to be in deep thought. Of course those same symptoms might be exhibited while you’re trying to read an insurance policy.

After having watched a lot of reality television (given that I don’t have much choice if I’m going to watch television) I could start up a company that gets possums out of hen houses. I even did a little research on this. The downside is that there are very few hen houses left in this country — aside from a few people in Montana who raise free range chickens.

There’s already a dog whisperer out there. So I’m wondering about a cat whisper. But there’s so much difference between a dog and cat when it comes to interaction. You can whisper in a dog’s ear, and it will lick your face seemingly in appreciation for the information. You can whisper in a cat’s ear, and it may give you the finger for waking it up in the first place.

I thought about panning for gold. I’ve watched “Gold Fever” a few times on Discovery Channel, and I believe I understand the concept that gold is heavier than sand and using that little plastic pan with the ridges inside it does make sense. Trouble is, I’ve never watched one of those episodes when they found more gold than I’ve got in my dental work.

And I thought about palm reading, but on a more practical basis. I can just see me looking into some guy’s palm and advising him to quit using treble hooks while bass fishing. I think those kinds of specifics might sell.

Whatever, I just hope I can stay healthy so that I can work a long, long time yet. You see I’ve noticed a correlation between retirement and dying. It could just be coincidence though, kind of like that coincidence where some people who run for Congress promote term limits, but when they get elected they find the job of straightening out our government is going to take a lot longer than they expected.

Dwain Walden is editor/publisher of The Moultrie Observer.

 

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